Yea, though I walk through the valley of apathy...

To put it quite simply, the details of my life embarrass me. Got stranded at a laundromat the other day and had to call a friend to pick me up. I sat there with my arms folded, trying to concentrate on my iPod, while an attention-starved boy got yelled at and yanked by the arm. I called my roommate a few times—no answer. Waited. The boy started tapping me on the shoulder, telling me unintelligible secrets such as how big his dad’s truck is. If you were there, you would have been fed up with CNN, too. And you would have thought to yourself, as I did, what a shame it is that so many parents suck so much. This poor child whose only crime was a little energy and craving attention, is tomorrow’s classroom management headache and worse. It just made me want to get out of there. So finally I called up Wishlist Lady and next thing you know she calls me back to say she is on her way. It was an awkward sort of meeting, considering the recent break-up vibe, which caused me to feel all the more uneasy for unofficially asking such a favor.

But none of that is the embarrassing part. An online course (which I started in January but never finished) is all that stands between me and $3000. Now I need to find another and do it up double-pronto but frankly feel so paralyzed by this recent streak of shame and apathy, I can barely even bring myself to look. I have an assignment that was supposed to be due last weekend: Create a web page. Easy! Not even started. Mr. B is certainly disappointed in me. I need to turn in a lesson plan or two for this MYP junk but I… honestly… I have a hard time just forcing myself to sit down and face all these things I should do. I barely succeed in getting up and putting a tie on each morning. I am completely disappointed in myself as a teacher and a professional right now. I am truly just getting by. I feel like such a pretender.

I spend most of my time—truly an enormous amount of energy—escaping. My most recent drug of choice: Sid Meier’s Civilization IV. That epic computer game series has gobbled up more of my life in a strangely wasteful yet edifying way than I care to admit. Ruling the world on my computer screen has left precious little time to contemplate the finer points of “reality.” Still, it strikes me as some mild surprise that I have reflected so little upon this recent turn of prevailing mood. It has been said (by Einstein, no less) that “compound interest is the most powerful force in the universe.” (I know this because of Civ IV!) A similar hyperbole might as well be said for the compounding effects of depression, apathy, shame, procrastination, and escapism. Where does it all come from? Who cares? The thought of wining any more about my feelings is making me sick to my stomach. I think I am going to go found Hinduism and build the Pyramids. See you at the end of the world!