On the Topic of Mental Health (Namely My Own)

It’s not been too good lately. Frankly, I’ve been pretty depressed for the past month or so. You know this is true when self-destructive images begin to enter your fantasy life. My sleep has become extremely irregular. And to say my self-motivational powers have wavered would be something of an understatement. How can this be so?

Pattern recognition: I notice in myself a tendency to become depressed in anticipation of significant transitions. As one phase of my life (such as my first year as a teacher in the U.S.) draws to a close, I begin to look back on it with regret, as I realize I have not been or done half of what I once imagined in my most idealistic fantasies. It’s like you dreamed as a child that you would one day do something special, and then the time of action comes and goes before you realize you never did it. What a sad thought.

I used to have a recurring nightmare that I was still in college, and I was trying to right my ways academically. Then in the dream I would realize in a terrible panic that there was some class I had forgotten to attend all semester. I guess the nightmare has stopped by now, only to be replaced by this recurring depression.

From my present perspective, it seems I have gotten another year older without getting any closer to anything important. I am not entirely convinced that I am better teacher now than I was 12 months ago. Yes, I have jumped through a few hoops and improved my on-paper credentials, but who is to say my actual classroom work has improved? Not me.

There is probably a social element to most episodes of situational depression, and yes, I have allowed myself to become increasingly isolated in the last month or two. Because I tend to be a loner somewhat anyway, it is very easy for me to fall into this. I am shy to initiate social contact, and I generally enjoy my time alone, so outside of some situation or special relationship propelling me into regular, meaningful social contact, it is easy for me, when surrounded by relative strangers, to become quite isolated. Next year will most likely only be worse, as my roommate and MTC classmate are both leaving town, and there will be no replacements from within the program.

Things seem bleak indeed—probably irrationally so. From where I stand now, it is hard to see anything getting much better—socially or otherwise—within the foreseeable future. Nothing but another year of unhappiness to look forward to. What’s wrong with me?

This past weekend was a brief reprieve. On a hint of suggestion, I had gone to the trouble to catch a ride up to Oxford to attend graduation (of my roommate and other second-years). It was surprisingly well worth it. The social aspect of the occasion was affirming and improved my mental state considerably. I was the only first-year not attached to a significant other, and a couple second-years just sort of showed up for the free food afterwards, so when it came time for introductions at the reception, I got introduced as somebody’s friend four times in a row! I guess that made my day, stupid as it sounds. And it was fun to meet Moda’s Columbian grandmother afterward; she’s quite a character!

The job is grinding to a sad, chaotic close. Last Friday was probably the worst day of the year so far. Tons of teachers were absent, and students were wandering the halls almost at will. I had to cover a “science reasoning” class (the holding class so these students don’t f**k up our state biology test is what that really means) during my planning block for one of the absent teachers. The children were zoo animals, and one of them ended up throwing a pen at me before I finally called the vice principal, and he dealt with them by sending them out to work on the football field (in preparation for Saturday’s pre-prom football jamboree) as a supposed punishment. Lately, my third block Algebra II class has become my true bane. I hate teaching that class even more than I hate teaching Transition to Algebra (the holding class so those students don’t f**k up our state Algebra I test)—and that’s saying something. I have maybe three people in the entire class passing. They have really terrible attitudes. They do nothing but complain, even the relatively good students among them. A couple weeks ago, they went through a phase where, to the person, they absolutely refused to participate in class at all or answer even the simplest question. Last Thursday, they all tried to skip class by going to another teacher’s class to supposedly help with the prom decorations, even though she explicitly said they could only come there if they had nothing better to do. I had to round them up, and they resented me for it. Imagine that, the novel concept that you should be in your class during the designated time!

And that’s all I got to complain about—for now!